“No trifling with me! I never jest! There is grim purpose in all I do; and I warn you that you do not thwart me!”—Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, fictional vampire slayer from the Bram Stoker book “Dracula.”  Vampires, of course, are also fictional, but that hasn’t stopped conspiracy theorists and those who put belief over evidence from trying to find them.

On July 29, 2026, at a special hearing of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, Chair Rand Paul compelled Dr. Anthony Fauci to testify.  Fauci, who’d already testified numerous times, responded by invoking his Fifth Amendment rights under the Constitution of the United States of America.

Essentially, he was giving Paul a verbal middle finger.  And he was absolutely right to do so.

What brought all of this to a head was Paul somehow tracking down Fauci’s personal diary, with the help of rfk, jr., who apparently has nothing better to do with his time during massive disease outbreaks outside of promoting raw milk, testosterone shots, and conspiracy theories.   The notes show Fauci privately puzzling over such issues as viral origins at a time when he was publicly stating that the most likely source of the pandemic was spill-over from an animal source (just like HIV and Ebola).

So what?  Does that make Fauci a liar? A killer?  Of course not.

For those with short memories, let’s go back to 2019-20.  ICUs are filling up.  Ventilators are in short supply.  Refrigerator trucks are storing bodies.  People are dying around the world.

All of this is because of a new virus that’s spreading like crazy.  The research environment is changing daily.  It’s not just one step forward, one step back, it’s two steps to the right—dead end—now two steps forward, two steps to the…  You get the idea.

The focus was on fighting a virus we knew nothing about.  It didn’t come with an instruction manual—or a YouTube video.  Where it came from was secondary.

Fauci NEVER SAID the virus did not come from a lab.  Rather, he talked about compelling evidence that the virus came from animal to human transmission and not from a lab.  That’s a big difference.  Perhaps someone should explain that to Dr. Rand Helsing Paul before he goes after any other imaginary vampires.

If introspection and private concern for the truth that may not be 100% consistent with public statements is a crime, I suggest Dr. Rand Helsing go after Abraham Lincoln.  Although putting on a confident air of war leadership, Lincoln privately agonized over whether pursuing the war was worth the cost.

Maybe Paul thinks that makes Lincoln a traitor, too.

But for more discussion, here’s my last visit with my MAGA nemesis, Larry Scheisskopf, at his favorite hangout, the WE R MAGA bar in Umlaut, Iowa.

LARRY:  “Did you see that hearing with Fauci?  He kept taking the Fifth!”

ME:  “So?”

LARRY:  “That means he’s guilty!”

ME:  “Guilty of what?”

LARRY:  “I don’t know…lying!  He was behind that lab in China that made the virus!  He paid for it with our money!”

ME:  (Taking a long sip of beer.)  “Look Larry, this wild claim you’re talking about is what’s being called “gain of function.”  The term wasn’t even used until about twenty years ago, and Rand and his cronies have been lying about it since the pandemic started.”

LARRY:  “What do you mean?”

ME:  “Laboratories around the world have been trying to figure out why viruses mutate and how.  What will the next mutation look like, and why?  This way, we might be able to get a head start on treating it before it hits.  That’s different from trying to create some bioweapon or Frankenvirus (speaking of Rand Helsing).”

LARRY:  “But we paid them!  And Fauci knew it!”

ME: (Now taking an even bigger sip of beer.)  “Look Larry, here are the facts.  We provided a $3.7 million grant through the Department of Health and Human Services to EccoAlliance, an NGO that does viral and vaccine research around the world.  Around $600,000 went to viral research in Wuhan, China.  None of it was for “gain of function.”  It was to research how viruses might mutate in the future to fight them more effectively.  And Fauci didn’t oversee any of that research.”

LARRY:  “But we paid for it, right?  It wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for Fauci giving them all that money!”

ME:   “All that money?  Larry, $600,00?  China spends $500,000,000,000-that’s a cool half trillion-on research every year.  If they wanted to do this research, that didn’t need our money.   And besides, our own Pentagon invested $39 million in EccoAlliance work, and much of that was actually during Trump’s administration.”

LARRY:  “But…but…Fauci still lied!  He said it wasn’t a lab leak!”

ME:   “No Larry, he said it was most likely not a lab leak.  And the vast majority of researchers around the world who’ve looked into this say the same thing.  It most likely was transmitted from animals to humans.”

LARRY:   “But you can’t prove it came from animals!  If it didn’t come from a lab, where’d it come from?”

ME:  “We’ll probably never know for sure.  But here’s what we do know.  Fauci didn’t fund it.  He didn’t create it.  And he didn’t lie about it.  And if all Rand Paul and rfk, jr. have to do with their time is snoop around in other people’s diaries, they need to get a life.”

LARRY:  “Stop giving Senator Paul a hard time!  He’s just as much of a Doctor as Fauci!”

ME:  (Choking on my beer)  “You’re way off on that one, Larry.  Fauci fought infectious diseases for decades, and worked tirelessly in his research.  Your buddy Rand was an eye specialist, who refused to take a recertification examination required by his own specialty.  Look, those aren’t fun, I know.  I’ve taken recertification exams more times than I want to remember.  But Rand’s lame excuse was to start his own board of ophthalmology and put himself in charge.  It was a joke.  It never had more than a handful of doctors, and it’s now dissolved.”

LARRY:  “So you’re saying you don’t like him?”

ME:  “Never met the guy.  All I can say is I find very little about the guy I respect.  But apparently one of his neighbors had an issue with him.”

LARRY:  “That’s not funny!  But let’s talk about Fauci.  He lied about masks and the vaccines!  He killed people!

ME:   “Aw, come on, Larry.  You MAGA types thought vaccines were great as long as they were developed by Trump’s Operation Warp Speed.  But as soon as he was gone, they somehow turned into poison?  Get real.  And all masks really did was provide a barrier to slow the spread.  But if you want to point a finger at anyone, point it at Paul and his cronies.  When Paul got the virus, he didn’t adequately isolate, and wound up exposing the whole U.S. Senate to COVID.  Later, he claimed that since he’d had the virus, he was immune for life and didn’t need to get vaccinated.  Wrong on all counts. Then he claimed healthy kids weren’t at risk, when in fact over 80% of all kids who died from COVID had no underlying health issues.”

LARRY:  “What about all those people the vaccine killed?”

ME:  “Didn’t happen. Look, rfk, jr. is throwing a ton of your tax dollars trying to find someone who had a fatal outcome from the vaccine, and so far nothing.  But we do know 1.2 million Americans were killed by COVID.  It would have been a lot more if it hadn’t been for Fauci.  And it would have been a lot less if Trump and Rand had given Fauci the support he deserved.  And you know as well as I do that if anyone died from the vaccine, both Rand and rfk, jr. would be all over FOX news talking about it.  They aren’t.”   

LARRY: (Slamming his mug down on the bar).  “Then why did he take the Fifth?”

ME:  “Because he was smart enough to see Rand for what he is.  And for what he was trying to do.  To set whatever legal trap he could, to try to get Fauci to say anything that could be construed as different from his previous testimony, his diaries, and whatever else.  Rand wasn’t interested in the truth.  He was out to discredit Fauci.  No matter what it took.”

LARRY:  “You people from Missouri.  Think you’re all like “give ‘em hell” Harry Truman, don’t you?” 

ME:  “Actually, Larry, Truman said he never gave anyone hell.  He said he just told the truth, and some people thought it was hell.”

LARRY: (storming to his feet).  “I’m outa here!  You pick up the tab, smart guy!”

ME:  (turning back to the bar and taking a last sip of beer).  “I usually do, Larry.  I usually do.”

I haven’t heard from Larry since, but I’m sure he’ll show up again.  He always does.  In the meantime, Rand Helsing will be out there, chasing his imaginary vampire.  Hopefully, the 85-year-old Dr. Fauci will be able to enjoy some semblance of a pleasant retirement.  God knows he deserves it after his years of public service, and all the harassment he’s going through.

But I have a vision of years from now. I see an aging Rand Helsing, tucked away in a care facility somewhere, still raging and rambling, holding up a microphone like a stake, pouring over personal diaries like they were some sort of ancient occultic texts, and crying out against a man that he himself could never measure up to.