FORWORD

Several people have asked if I’m going to write my thoughts on the most recent decisions of the unSupreme Court, which included abandoning women’s rights, giving a thumbs-up to destroying the environment, and allowing just about anyone to carry any gun anywhere at any time (just days after a mass murder of children in Texas). I’ll have plenty to say about all of that later.

In the meantime, if you’d like to read an incredibly insightful commentary on the Court’s decision, check out Dr. Josh Freeman’s blog post Abortion is health care. It must be safe and legal. Josh was the Chair of Family Medicine at the University of Kansas for many years. He’s seen more in his time than I’ve seen in mine. He knows what he’s talking about.

But I’ve been promising to announce the winner of America’s Dumbest State award for some time. So here it is. And if you are from this state, I apologize. But I’m afraid there’s not much in the post below that isn’t accurate.

AND THE WINNER OF AMERICA’S DUMBEST STATE IS. . .

First, let’s get one thing straight.  I’m not speaking from the standpoint of self-righteousness.  I was born in Kansas, a state where the legislature massively slashed taxes, blindly assuming that it would bring progress and prosperity to everyone.  Instead, it wound up nearly destroying their public schools.

Ultimately, even a decidedly conservative legislature had no choice but to undo all of the tax cuts.

I was raised in Missouri, whose legislature nearly passed a bill prohibiting doctors from performing surgery on women with ectopic pregnancies, since the embryo might be “alive.”  For the record, the mortality rate for women with untreated ectopic pregnancies is 100%.

I currently live in Nebraska, where its billionaire Governor (daddy’s money) was recently locked in a no-holds-barred, multi-million-dollar campaign with a billionaire ex-President (also daddy’s money, for the most part) to see whose far-right flunky would be nominated as the state’s next governor (hint:  the ex-president lost).

So it’s not like I’m associated with states that are paragons of reasoned thought.  However, if we look at our nation, state by state, and consider the really stupid things that have been done, one stands out.

Let’s take a look at how that state might describe itself.

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF TOURISM OF THE GREAT STATE OF FLORIDA

Welcome to Florida—The Stupid State!

Hello everyone.  We know that many of you may be more accustomed to our previous slogan, The Sunshine State.  But that’s so yesterday.  We wanted a new slogan, one that really represents what we’re all about down here.

And let’s face it—wisdom and knowledge are really overrated!  Ignorance is bliss, so they say, and on behalf of our great Governor, Ron DeSantis, we’d like to welcome you to the most blissful state in America.

Take education, for example.  It’s not what you learn that’s important, it’s what you don’t learn that really matters!

Yes, we’re talking about sex and race.  We’ve been at the forefront of the “Don’t Say Gay” movement in our schools.  And we’re so adamant that critical race theory can’t be discussed, we’ve insured that virtually any discussion of race can be grounds for prosecution.  We make sure our students are protected from any of this stuff.

It’s not that we’re opposed to sex education, it’s just that it must be done the right way.  That means abstinence only education.  And that’s what we teach our students.  None of that talk about those heathen contraception methods—we just tell kids to refrain from sex.  And we’re sure that approach works.  Yes, we know those communist public health people point out that we’re in the top 10 states when it comes to teenage pregnancies.  But what do they know?  We think we’re doing just fine.

Oh, and then there’s science.  Yeah, maybe kids should learn about gravity, but that’s about it.  Here in Florida, we have laws in place that allow parents to challenge schools over teaching irrelevant facts about climate change, evolution, and atheist stuff like quantum physics.  We protect our children!  Why, we even banned over fifty math books.  You can’t get any more stupid than that!

We’re also home to the Centner Academy, a private institution founded by a multi-billionaire to indoctrinate—uh, we mean educate—well-off youngsters.  The Academy bans masks, isolates students who’ve been vaccinated for COVID (even though they’re not infective and can’t harm other children), refuses to hire teachers who’ve been vaccinated, and has special window coverings to protect kids from evil 5-G waves.  Yes, we know many of their former teachers describe the Academy as basically a cult.  But Governor DeSantis supports it!  And that’s good enough for us!  After all, if you’re paying upwards of $30,000 a year to send your little Johnny or Suzie here, you ought to make sure they only learn what you want, right?

And speaking of COVID, there’s no question we’ve had the greatest response of any state in the country.  Unlike those liberal wussies in California, we’ve refused to mandate masks and vaccines, refused to shut down any place of business, and we’ve done just fine.  OK, there’s that little detail about having a mortality rate 50% higher than California, as well as having our hospitals overflowing with COVID cases, especially our ICUs.  But it’s like guns, it’s just the small price we pay for our freedoms.

So we’ve installed an anti-vaxxer, Dr. Joseph Ladapo, as State Surgeon General, and he’s making sure Governor DeSantis’ policies are being carried out.  And not just with COVID.  Vaccinations of all types are down throughout the state.  If that’s not a great example of personal freedom, what is?  And if we wind up with more sick babies, well, we’ve got plenty of doctors.  Or at least we did.

But since we’ve mentioned guns, let’s talk about them, too.  We’re one of the most gun friendly states in America, and damned proud of it.  Come to Florida, and you can defend yourself—no questions asked!  Since passing our “stand your ground” law in 2005, gun deaths in our state are up by over 32%.  Yes, there was that incident where a gun toting neighborhood vigilante stalked an unarmed black man for blocks before shooting him dead, but what do you expect?  He was wearing a hoodie, for God’s sake!  And the jury certainly wasn’t impressed.

And that theatre situation—the one where two people were arguing, and one threw a bag of popcorn at the other, who in turn pulled a gun and shot the first man dead in front of his family?  That popcorn might have had anthrax, or even AIDS!  Besides, another jury of our finest citizens found that shooter innocent, too, so what’s the big deal?

A few years back, our legislature even passed a bill that said any doctor who asked a parent if they had a gun in the house could be prosecuted (stupid doctors, thinking a child who finds a loaded gun might actually hurt themselves!).  But to our utter shock, some left-wing judge said the law violated free speech.  What’s this nation coming to, when doctors can actually ask questions?

So come to Florida and bring your guns!  We won’t mind if you use them.  And if anyone says anything, just tell them you’re “a good guy.”

But if you’re thinking of opening or moving a business here, remember this.  We don’t want our businesses expressing any political opinions—especially one that disagrees with our esteemed Governor.  We revoked Disney’s special tax status because they expressed displeasure with our “don’t say gay” laws.  Yes, that dumped over a billion dollars in bond debt on the people of the Orlando region, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

And those sissy Tampa Bay Rays?  Speaking out about gun violence and children being killed!  Who cares?  In any case, we shut them down right away by threatening to pull the funding for a sports facility.  Next time they’ll know better, and act the way true Florida athletes should—just sing the National Anthem, play ball, and shut up.

But what we’re most proud of is our handling of the Special Olympics.  The organization was going to hold its 2022 Games in Orlando, and had the audacity to require its athletes to be vaccinated against COVID!  As we’ve said, we don’t care what science says, we don’t tolerate mandates!  Who cares if some of those kids might be immune compromised and COVID might kill them?  That’s their problem, not ours!

So we threatened Special Olympics with a $27.5 million fine, and boy did that ever shut those little brats down!  Oh, the liberal media made a big fuss about it, calling us callous and uncaring.  But we don’t care.

Because we’re Florida.  We don’t have to.

So come on down and move your business to Florida, we’d love to have you.  Just make sure you keep your mouth shut after you get here.

And don’t believe everything you hear about us when it comes to school shootings, either.  We know what’s really important—mental health.  It’s just that we don’t want to pay for it.  Yes, we’ve been ranked 49^th out of all 50 states when it comes mental health funding per capita.  But that’s not what’s important.  Our hearts are in the right place.  And more importantly, our guns are everywhere.

And we know how to handle voting, too.  No voter fraud here, because there won’t be that many votes!  We’ve made it legal for partisan election “observers” to operate inside polling places, reduced the number of ballot drop boxes, more than doubled the red-tape involved in requesting a mail-in ballot, and now require more rigid voter ID laws than ever before.  Will this make it more difficult for the poor and elderly to vote?  Who cares?

We’ve also recently passed a bill that would make it illegal to transport undocumented people within Florida.  Yes, we know there are thousands of law-abiding essential workers in our state that this would impact, but again, that’s not our problem.  We don’t want immigrants here.  Keep Florida white!  And forget all those studies that show that U.S. citizens are more than twice as likely to commit crimes as immigrants.  We don’t have time for pesky facts.

There was a time when we welcomed all those fleeing violence in Cuba to our state.  But now it’s time to slam the door on all that.

What more can you ask for when it comes to Stupid?  We’re the nation’s role model.  And to let you in on our special secret, we think our wonderful Governor, Ron DeSantis will be the Republican nominee for president in 2024.  Then, all of the incredible things happening in Florida can be available to the entire nation!

So, while you’re visiting, pull up a chair, grab a drink, and settle in on the beach (with your gun, of course).  Relax, take it easy, and don’t worry about thinking.

After all, you’re in Florida.  The Stupid State.