AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY

“Well, it couldn’t be any worse than. . .”

Whenever I hear someone use this phrase, I cringe.  In my experience, if all someone can say in defense of their statements is “well, it couldn’t be any worse than—” they really don’t have much of an argument.

And second, most of the time it actually could be worse—a lot worse.

This is true of countries as well as people.  In America, we tend to have a pretty high opinion of ourselves.  And in my lifetime, some of the dumbest things we’ve ever done have been justified on the basis of the “it couldn’t be any worse than. . .” principle. 

Today, America and the world face incredible challenges.  Some people hate Joe Biden and the ground he walks upon.  They never cease to talk about how much better things would be if Donald Trump were still in office.

When I disagree, they respond with “how could things possibly be any worse?”

With apologies to students of quantum physics, where complex formulas suggest parallel universes and realities, let’s take a moment and visit such a parallel world where Donald Trump is still in office. 

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE

THE WHITE HOUSE

WASHINGTON, D.C.

MAY 32, 2022

Greetings from the administration of President Donald J. Trump!  We know the people of the United States have many concerns, but rest assured these issues will soon be resolved and America will again be moving forward toward Greatness.

Since the brave patriots stormed the capitol on Patriot Day, January 6, 2021 and made sure the stolen election was overturned, President Trump has been busy moving our nation forward.  In addition to jailing senior Democratic leadership and installing Tucker Carlson as Secretary of the newly created Department of Information, he is tackling America’s challenges head on.

Let’s review them.  And remember, all of this would be so much worse if Biden had been installed as President.

UKRAINE

Thanks to President Trump, there is peace in Ukraine.  Soon after the Russian liberation of Ukraine began, our President made it clear to NATO that we stood steadfast with our friend President Putin, and would tolerate no interference.

Ukraine was quickly liberated, and their clown-President Volodymr Zelenskyy was executed.  Next month President Trump will travel to Kyiv to congratulate President Putin as the traitorous Ukrainian government formally surrenders to the Russian Republic.

As you may know, illegal and banned news sources have been reporting lies and distortions about the treatment of captured Ukrainian soldiers, claiming they are being starved, murdered, and tortured.  These treasonous sources even claim that Russian soldiers have raped and killed Ukrainian civilians.  Rest assured, President Putin has made it clear to our State Department that nothing of this sort has occurred, and as we know, President Trump trusts President Putin completely.

As you are also aware, the United States is withdrawing from NATO.  There is no reason for this organization to even exist now that a powerful American-Russian-Hungarian partnership is in place.  However, if the rest of Europe wishes to “go it alone,” let them.

AFGHANISTAN

As you know, thanks to the brilliant decision making of President Trump, all U.S troops were secretly withdrawn from Afghanistan between 0200 and 0500 hours last August 29, ­with no troop casualties.  This was an incredible feat.  Once again, the illegal and traitorous press has made much of the numerous massacres of American Aid workers and others who were unable to get out after our troops had left, but this was not our fault!  Those people should never have been there to begin with!  We cannot be responsible for everything and everyone.  Yes, they were U.S. citizens, but these things happen sometimes.  America first.  We all have the choice to stay at home.

CHINA

The U.S. Stand-Our-Ground China policy, much criticized by the rest of the world, will have a great effect.  We have shut down all trade with China, and we are sure this will bring them to their knees.  In addition, we have announced that we will soon be placing tariffs on any nation doing business with China. 

As every American knows, China is the root of all evil in this world, and must be isolated.  This may mean some temporary economic pain, but we will recover.  We are confident that the current trade relationships between China and the rest of the world will quickly disappear if we hold firm with our tariffs and embargos.  Temporary high prices will only be a reality for a short while. We are confident China will not develop trade relationships elsewhere. And no matter what you hear, this will not cause a recession!

THE ECONOMY

First, let’s talk about the good news.  Corporate profits are through the ceiling, and this is by far the most important measure of any economy.  We are quite confident that wages, which have lagged behind inflation, will soon catch up. 

Much of our temporary economic challenges are due to supply chain issues, which would be much worse if Biden were still in office.  Due to isolated shortages, inflation is currently running at 10%.  This is entirely due to China!  We are sure this will resolve quickly. Remember, inflation was nearly 18% in the early Reagan years.  We can fix this.

The price of gasoline, at $7.17 a gallon, has been a hardship for many.  This is a worldwide issue, and has nothing to do with President Trump.  In England, gas (they call it ‘petrol’ there, the sissies) is $8.00 a gallon.  Other countries are even higher.  We should be glad for what we have.

The supply chain disruptions with China have had an impact on employment, as well.  Some plants have had to close due to materials shortages.  Farmers are struggling to find markets for their crops.  Unemployment in the U.S. is currently running at 5.1%, much better than at the height of the so-called pandemic, but we still need to get it lower.  But can you imagine what it would be under Biden?  10%, at least!  

HEALTH CARE

We all know America has the greatest health care system in the world, regardless of what the treasonous press might say.  And we know that these liars are telling us that the number of Americans without health insurance has now shot up to 40 million.  Don’t believe them!

Yes, unfortunately the latest release of Health and Human Services insurance data has been   delayed for another year (or two) under the order of Secretary Dr. Scott Atlas (the same brave patriot who banned masks on his first day in office, and declared an end to the phony ChiCom epidemic).  But we know this is just a temporary disruption while he reorganizes the Department.   In the meantime, things are fine.

More importantly, our President has allocated $100 billion to develop the Abortion Prevention and Prosecution (APAP) Force to send armed agents into states to ensure no abortions occur.  These agents will also have the authority to check pregnancy tests on any woman leaving the country (in order to ensure that they’re not travelling to receive an abortion), as well as the authority to inspect any and all mail that APAP has reason to believe contains abortion related pills or materials.

Finally, the President has forwarded the Patriot’s Right of Refusal (PRoR) Law to Congress.  This freedom-protecting bill will allow any health care provider to refuse to give medical services to anyone he or she believes might represent a threat to the stability of the country.  Yes, in some cases this might mean that Left-Wing Communist Democrats may not be able to receive care, but that is a small price to pay for our continued freedom.

And an additional comment:  the decision to end the Medicare program should not be taken as an attempt to bring harm to older Americans.  Medicare was simply an entitlement program started by Socialist Democrats that served only to make the elderly dependent on the government.  Ending it will empower older citizens to get private insurance.  Those who feel they don’t have the funds to afford this obviously didn’t save enough over the course of their lifetimes, and regrettably, must now live with those consequences.

ELECTION MONITORING AND SECURITY (EMS) FORCE

As we all know, the security of our elections is the most important single principle in a strong America.  Left-wing grousing about whether our elections are “fair” notwithstanding, the decision to establish the EMS Force has been one of the boldest and most important steps President Trump has taken.

This Force will station armed officers inside every polling place in America, with the authority to arrest any voter they might suspect of fraud. Of course, those votes won’t be registered and/or counted.  Even though last year’s Fake Voter Identification (FVI) Task Force has been unable to find concrete evidence of clear election fraud, we all know it is out there.  How else would the phony narrative that President Trump lost the last election have been created?

And in keeping with our budget-conscious approach, the EMS Force will be funded through the savings realized by closing just over half of all polling places in the country, and limiting voting times to no more than 5 hours per election.  This will result in enormous savings.  Again, bleeding heart liberals are saying this is not “fair,” but we know that a willingness to travel 20-30 miles to vote is the least someone can do to demonstrate their true patriotism.  Anyone unwilling to do this is not a true American anyway.

IMMIGRATION

Our President has taken unprecedented heat for making the decision to stop all immigration from countries that are not predominantly white, Christian, or western European.  Such a decision, however, was in full keeping with the values at the heart of the MAGA concept.  We should be thanking him.

The unfortunate incident at the border last month when border patrol agents were forced to use automatic weapons could not have been avoided.  Due to adverse weather conditions, the agents had every reason to believe that the 68 children trying to cross the border were actually murders and rapists.  The agents were only doing their job.

The Presidential directive to “shoot to kill” any unauthorized crossing only makes sense.  This directive has been well publicized throughout the world, and those children who tried to illegally cross over are the only ones responsible for their fate.

PATRIOTIC EDUCATION ONLY (PEO)

If America is to move forward in the MAGA era, education must be in line with MAGA principles only!

This means that the principles of American education must be (1) teaching only America First values, (2) eradication of Critical Race Theory (CRT), (3) purging libraries of anti-American literature, (4) the elimination of any anti-MAGA sexual content, and (5) protection of students.

It is for these reasons that the President has dissolved the Department of Education, and placed all of its responsibilities under the Department of Justice, headed by Attorney General Rudy Giuliani.  He will ensure that these priorities will be protected according to the PEO Act of 2022

Our Justice Department will deploy agents to every school in America, ensuring that teachers have, first and foremost, signed the MAGA loyalty pledge, and that no mention of sexuality or critical race theory is made. 

Only math, reading, and Authentic American History (AAH) will be taught in grade school.  Because science is subjective, it will not be taught until the high school level.

All teachers, in order to obtain a state teaching certificate, will be required to participate in a minimum of 100 hours of firearms training.  AR-15 rifles will be required inside of every classroom in America.  This will ensure the protection of our students.

Yes, we know that the lying liberal media has made much of the accidental discharge of some of these rifles inside Texas classrooms (where mandatory rifle legislation is already in place).  And yes, 5 students unfortunately died in those accidents.  But imagine how many lives have been protected!  This is just a small price to pay for our freedoms!

The press has also implied that the PEO policy will prevent gays and lesbians from teaching.  This is absolutely untrue!  Of course, we welcome all teachers.  However, in keeping with PEO principles, any gay teacher that discusses his/her sexual orientation with students will be subject to immediate termination.

This is only fair and correct.  Real teachers know that students must be protected from any notion of sexual orientation.

Finally, rumors are circulating around the country that the Trump administration is going to shut down public schools.  This is absolutely untrue!  However, we do anticipate that by 2030, public schools will no longer be necessary, and all students will be attending private schools.

Clearly, public schools in this country have run their course.  Private schools are the way of the future.  Yes, we know that many liberals maintain that some students will be unable to afford private schools.  But this is simply a reality.  Private schools—when properly focused on PEO—will indeed make America Great Again.  The fact that some students may miss out is simply a product of our times.

We would also like to confirm that private funding has been obtained to add President Trump’s bust to Mount Rushmore.  This is only fitting, in that he is obviously the greatest President in American history.

Finally, we would urge all Americans to contact their representatives and support the 28^th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, which provides that President Donald Joseph Trump shall be eligible to be designated as President for Life.  Yes, we are aware that, once again, the liberal media has acted in horror when President Trump replaced Mike Pence with the most qualified person in America to be Vice-President, Donald Trump, Jr.  But we live in dangerous times.  An orderly transition, as well as an administration we can trust, is far more important than any whining about nepotism.

Thank you for your steadfast support of our nation.

Make America Great Again!

Keep America Great!

America first, no matter what!

Sincerely,

The White House Office of Public Information

Elon Musk, Director