A little over four years ago, for some odd reason or another, I started writing a blog. I haven’t quite been able to give it up.
My first post was a tongue-in-cheek letter from the chinese communist party to the people of America. Now, after four and a half years, maybe it’s time check in again with what The Party would be telling us, if they were being brutally honest.
Dear America,
Hello again, friends and neighbors! We just thought it might be nice to drop by after four years and say hi. A few things have changed on our end, but not a whole lot. We’re still strengthening our military, advancing our technology, building our trade and diplomatic relationships around the world, and growing our economy. Nothing new here.
But it’s sure been fun watching you guys!
Yeah, we won a few and lost a few when you had Biden in charge. We strengthened some island bases in the South China Sea and made a little progress in developing trade. We had a few back on forths on tariffs. But you guys made real headway. You cranked up your economic output and standard of living while pulling out of the pandemic better than just about anyone. And you even eroded our influence in South America, too.
But then you answered our prayers and elected Donald Trump (OK, we didn’t actually pray. We don’t believe in God).
Sure, it’s what we’d hoped for, but we really didn’t think it would happen. The January 6th thing? The sexual assaults? The felony convictions? The impeachments? We’re not saying you guys are stupid, it’s just that. . .well, you are.
But since then, it’s been a lot of fun to sit back and watch you spin out of control.
That Trans-Pacific Partnership (TTP) that Trump pulled you out of in his first term? We’re still not formally a member yet, but we’re hosting the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation Summit this year. And we’ve also signed an upgraded free trade agreement with the Association of South-East Asian Nations (ASEAN), a group that used to trade primarily with you guys.
So it’s only a matter of time before we’re in with the TTP for good, basically replacing America.
Of course, the South Americans are lining up to do business with us, too. As soon as Trump started bellowing about tariffs, we inked deals with Argentina and Brazil for soybeans. As you know (or certainly should know), we purchased over half of your exported beans last year. But now? Zippo.
Oh, yeah, we sorta “promised” to start buying again. Maybe we will. But if we do, it won’t be anywhere near what it used to be.
With an enormous budget deficit, how much longer do you think you can subsidize your farmers while their markets dry up? How much longer will it take them to recover?
Your whole anti-vax, anti-climate, anti-science, anti-research approach is wonderful. We’ve peaked our coal usage, and become one of the world’s innovation centers for green energy (yeah, we know you don’t “believe in it.” Sort of like evolution, right?) But regardless, we’re selling solar panels and electric vehicles around the world like hotcakes.
Sorry Elon.
Which brings us to rare earth minerals. We really have you in a quandary there, don’t we? While you’ve been perseverating on “make coal and oil great again” we’ve been cornering the market on rare earths. Go ahead, tell yourself it’s all about those left-wing electric cars. The fact is, you need over four tons of rare earths just to build one submarine.
Do we really want to help you with that? We’ll see.
In the meantime, we’re still developing vaccines (our mortality rate during COVID was less than 1% of yours, in case you’re interested), landing rovers on the moon, developing our own low-level satellite communications system (sorry again, Elon), and pulling in researchers and collaborators from all over the world (the way you guys used to).
And then there’s education.
We’re expanding our capacity, building our infrastructure, and pumping up our universities. All of this while you axe your department of education, refuse to teach evolution, deny climate change, defund your institutions, and focus instead on football and the ten commandments. Oh, and whether or not your kids might catch site of a drag queen.
And our education focus pays off. We don’t brag, we don’t boast, we don’t thump our chest like some orange-haired buffoon we could mention. And that means no one sees us coming.
When we dropped DeepSeek on the world, you should have seen those shocked faces at ChatGPT and Google.
But we’ve learned over millennia that you can’t get cocky. So let’s just say we’re cautiously optimistic. We’re expanding our middle class (along with lots of purchasing clout) while you’re eroding yours. We keep our billionaires on a shock collar while yours roam free, gobbling up any tax cuts. We keep our streets safe by judiciously using our resources. You send your troops to cities where the crime rate is already falling, just to score political points.
We play our diplomatic cards close to our vest. While you’re busy spreading racist nonsense about oppressed white south Africans, we’re building bridges with the rest of the continent.
And yes, at times we’ve cozied up to Russia. We view Putin as a useful idiot, much like Putin views Trump. But the fact remains, Russia needs us a lot more than we need Russia.
Or you.
We have to say, though, in a way we envy the whole immigration thing you guys are dealing with. Plenty of people want to come to your country. Here, we have foreign workers, but fewer than you. But we have enough sense to deal with them realistically. We don’t paint them all with the same brush and call them vermin and poison.
But the fact that you do gives us plenty of cover. Sure, we’re not the nicest guys. But increasingly, as the world sees images of troops in your cities, ICE agents beating protesters, children in Africa starving because you’ve cut off their aid, or your leaders posting asinine videos about needing to kill people who are “woke” (whatever that means), the more likely they are to overlook anything we might do.
So that’s where we see it. You’ve sabotaged your best alliances, cozied up to hated leaders, clobbered your own middle class, diminished and disillusioned your military by purging actual leaders and replacing them at the whim of a clueless TV host (who renames your “Department of Defense” the “Department of War”—the world thought that was really cute), and demonstrated that your foreign and economic policy is completely unreliable.
Tariffs today, no tariffs tomorrow. Or maybe fewer tariffs. Or maybe more. Or maybe not.
Is it any wonder why no one in the world trusts you anymore?
So do they “trust” us? Good question. Isn’t “trust” just a philosophical word for predictability? The world knows us and can predict where we likely stand. They know who we are and how to deal with us.
And you? No one knows who you are anymore.
So we’ll see what happens, America. But for right now, it looks like you’re locked into your divisionary, economically ignorant, burgeoning police state for the next 3 years. How much damage will you do to yourself and others in that time? Who knows?
Oh, yes, and then there’s that gun thing. Just keep bumping each other off. You’ve really developed a skill for it.
But one thing is certain. You’re giving us a great opportunity to grow our trade, our economy, our military, and our influence.
Donald Trump. The gift that just keeps on giving.
Thank you, America. Thank you so much!
Love and Kisses,
The Communist Party Central Committee/The People’s Republic of China/Beijing